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I know that you have sleepless nights, that your sleep is disturbed, that you toss and turn in your bed looking for that sheep that won't have five legs.

Of course I care about your well-being, your balance and your inner peace. Because if you're not well, I'll fall apart and pop Xan until I'm not hungry any more. But you can rest assured that this will never happen, because I'm keeping a close eye on you, even an open one.

Apart from that, I don't want to put too much pressure on you, as (TV news channel) BFM already does enough of that, but Christmas is approaching and if you want to please yourself, in the noble sense of the word, or please others, in the pagan sense, then you need a pair of Patricias, the ones that will take the place of your tinsel and all the illuminations when December 25th rolls around. Shining is not an option, shining is your mission.

Apart from that, my dear sisters, what's there to celebrate on November 19th? Well, it's the day Meg Ryan was born. And Meg Ryan, leader of the rom-coms of the 80s and 90s, has disappeared from the radar, vanishing into a cave, as untraceable as bin Laden's was. Meg Ryan did, however, star in innerspace, directed by the father of Gremlins, roared an historic orgasm in When Harry Met Sally, in Joe vs. the Volcano, and then the Doors.

But on the other hand, by dint of her insistence on the mawkish, unremarkable film, she eventually grew weary, but also bored, attempting failed forays into films written on something other than rolling papers. When that didn't work, she began to have doubts. Was she too mawkish? Too old? She chose the scalpel to answer one of her questions. And to say the least, she didn't pull any punches, making it look like there was more plastic in her face than in the Mediterranean.

But who am I to say that, if not the fairy godmother of shoes, the queen of pumps? Because, of course, I've never been in the spotlight or had the cameras trained on my pretty face. And perhaps that would have disturbed me even more than it did her, with this fear of growing old and no longer being attractive to anyone.

There was something else, and just like Britney, she was taken to task by public opinion after sleeping with her Proof of Life co-star Russel Crowe. Because women should keep their heads down, not respond to any temptation, and remain the same faithful beings that the patriarchy has been trying to sell us for ages, she should not have acted on her fantasies when her boyfriend was cheating on her? What's wrong with you?

So obviously we couldn't care less about these unattainable, almost unreal girls, but in the meantime, they are victims of the same evils as all of us and it's absolutely vital that their suffering, since it couldn't be avoided, is used to ensure that injustice and moral violence against women finally come to an end. On that note, happy birthday Meg, and good evening to you all.

I didn't know about this version, which I'm delighted with, and as I'm not a biatch, I'm sharing:

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